{"id":69014,"date":"2023-09-03T15:37:37","date_gmt":"2023-09-03T21:37:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/artistsofutah.org\/15Bytes\/?p=69014"},"modified":"2023-09-04T10:24:12","modified_gmt":"2023-09-04T16:24:12","slug":"69014","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/artistsofutah.org\/15Bytes\/69014\/","title":{"rendered":"David G. Pace’s “Lana Turner Has Collapsed!”"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Image credit: Todd Anderson<\/p><\/div>\n


\nDavid Pace<\/em> was the inaugural literary editor for 15 Bytes for seven years. He is the author of the novel Dream House on Golan Drive<\/a><\/em> (Signature Books) and the forthcoming collection of short fiction American Trinity<\/em> (BCC Press, February 2024). His creative work has appeared in two anthologies as well as the forthcoming anthology The Path & The Gate<\/em> (Signature Books, October 2023) where “Lana Turner Has Collapsed!”, this month’s READ LOCAL First feature, will debut.<\/p>\n

Pace’s title is lifted from the poem by Frank O’Hara<\/a>. The short story is a concise, witty and insightful portrayal of a Mormon woman navigating mid-life in 1990s Utah. The following is a short excerpt from the beginning of the story. Warning: this excerpt discusses fellatio.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

from “Lana Turner Has Collapsed!”<\/h4>\n

*<\/p>\n

Gloria sat drinking her coffee and thumbing through a magazine. She was early, taking a long lunch break so that she could talk to Trudy who was just finishing up with her eleven o\u2019clock. Sister Bodell sat in the chrome and padded \u00a0hooded hair dryer. She looked like a prune with a giant bonnet on her head, the traditional style and set that, it being 1995, seemed more than outdated to Gloria. Grotesque, she thought. Just like her own name: antique and grotesque. Like something out of the Dick van Dyke Show. In spite of this, the old woman was smiling away, quite pleased to be under the caring, skilled hands of her trusted beautician, who kept checking on her, smiling conspiratorially. Who am I to judge Sister Bodell? Gloria thought. This could be the highlight of her week.<\/h4>\n

Trudy extracted Sister Bodell from the hair dryer and helped her back into the swivel chair where she dropped like a sack of sand. She turned her client around to face the mirror, and after working a brush expertly through her hair, sprayed the woman\u2019s bouf, now dyed a gentle blue. \u201cA regular Lana Turner,\u201d said Trudy finally, her hands resting lightly on the woman\u2019s shoulders. The two of them smiled into the mirror. It was the very picture\u2014even a framed picture, thought Gloria\u2014of sisterly affection and the commerce of beauty.<\/h4>\n

While Trudy took a phone call, Gloria walked Sister Bodell to the door. \u201cTrudy has made you look like a movie star,\u201d she said as she helped the old woman on with her coat. She asked how her children were doing, her grandchildren. They now numbered thirty-two, she learned.<\/h4>\n

\u201cOh, my. You are lovely to help me. Bless you!\u201d Sister Bodell said.<\/h4>\n

\u201cAnd it\u2019s pretty darn sexy, if you ask me,\u201d Gloria continued. She couldn\u2019t resist spiking her language a little. Sister Bodell leaned hard against Gloria as she lowered herself down the steps to the walk, but then she didn\u2019t let go. Suddenly, her tone changed, as if someone had flipped a switch. \u201cYou know, Gloria, the only regret I have since my husband died is that I didn\u2019t suck on his penis the way he always wanted me to.\u201d Gloria coughed. \u201cI loved that man,\u201d continued Sister Bodell. \u201cBut when I asked the bishop about whether it was allowed, he gave me one of those priesthood lectures. Said that I should not be behaving in bed like a pole dancer.\u201d She gripped Gloria\u2019s arm harder. \u201cWhat does dancing have to do with it? The dope was almost young enough to be my grandson. Imagine that. And telling me that I couldn\u2019t suck on my own husband\u2019s penis?\u201d She let go finally, hiked her purse up over her shoulder, and moved toward her car. Then she turned, and in a stage whisper said, \u201cGive him what he wants, sister. Don\u2019t wait until you\u2019re living with regret like me.\u201d Gloria watched the LTD lurch away from the curb.<\/h4>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re the only one in here who drinks coffee,\u201d said Trudy when Gloria returned to the shop\u2014and her mug. \u201cIt makes everyone uncomfortable, you know.\u201d<\/h4>\n

\u201cAnd it\u2019s lousy coffee,\u201d Gloria quipped.<\/h4>\n

\u201cLike I say. You\u2019re the only one. And if the bishop finds out, he\u2019ll be calling you in.\u201d Trudy shook Sister Bodell\u2019s hair clippings from the plastic covering and readjusted a large aluminum hair pin on the rolled-up cuff of her sleeve.<\/h4>\n

\u201cOnly among the Mormons could drinking coffee turn into a social statement,\u201d said Gloria, collapsing into the chair next to the sink. \u201cI need something more up-to-date, Trudy,\u201d Gloria sighed, her back to the sink. She looked at herself in the mirror opposite, turning her head from side to side. \u201cDon\u2019s gone back to the temple, and he wants me to go with him.\u201d<\/h4>\n

Trudy tipped Gloria\u2019s head back. \u201cMid-life thing going on? Couldn\u2019t he just buy a fast car?\u201d Gloria closed her eyes and took a deep breath. The water gurgled and sprayed. Negative ions elevated her mood. Twenty, thirty years from now she would be Sister Bodell getting her wash and blow-dry once a week and walking out of the Wildflower Salon smiling beneath her helmet hair. That was as good as it was going to get for her.<\/h4>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

David Pace was the inaugural literary editor for 15 Bytes for seven years. He is the author of the novel Dream House on Golan Drive (Signature Books) and the forthcoming collection of short fiction American Trinity (BCC Press, February 2024). His creative work has appeared in two anthologies […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1566,"featured_media":69015,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_piecal_is_event":false,"_piecal_start_date":"","_piecal_end_date":"","_piecal_is_allday":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[35,2513],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-69014","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-literary-arts","category-read-local-first"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/artistsofutah.org\/15Bytes\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/09\/DPace_Credit_Todd_Todd_Anderson_2023-1-scaled.jpg","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"publishpress_future_action":{"enabled":false,"date":"2026-05-01 11:44:32","action":"change-status","newStatus":"draft","terms":[],"taxonomy":"category","extraData":[]},"publishpress_future_workflow_manual_trigger":{"enabledWorkflows":[]},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/artistsofutah.org\/15Bytes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/69014","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/artistsofutah.org\/15Bytes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/artistsofutah.org\/15Bytes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/artistsofutah.org\/15Bytes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1566"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/artistsofutah.org\/15Bytes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=69014"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/artistsofutah.org\/15Bytes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/69014\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":69028,"href":"https:\/\/artistsofutah.org\/15Bytes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/69014\/revisions\/69028"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/artistsofutah.org\/15Bytes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/69015"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/artistsofutah.org\/15Bytes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=69014"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/artistsofutah.org\/15Bytes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=69014"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/artistsofutah.org\/15Bytes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=69014"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}