{"id":22281,"date":"2013-08-04T09:45:23","date_gmt":"2013-08-04T15:45:23","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/artistsofutah.org\/15Bytes\/?p=22281"},"modified":"2023-11-25T17:11:43","modified_gmt":"2023-11-25T23:11:43","slug":"sunday-blog-read-shanan-ballam","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/artistsofutah.org\/15Bytes\/sunday-blog-read-shanan-ballam\/","title":{"rendered":"READ LOCAL First: Shanan Ballam"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"OLYMPUS<\/a><\/p>\n

This is 15 Bytes\u2019 sixth\u00a0Read Local First<\/strong>, a glimpse into the working minds and hearts of Utah\u2019s literary writers.<\/p>\n

Former Utah Poet Laureate Kate Coles was our inaugural offering in March, followed by poet Michael McLane, short story writer Darrell Spencer, fiction writer Larry Menlove, memoirist Christopher Bigelow and this month Shanan Ballam<\/strong> (left) who today shares three of her poems. The second and third \u00a0appear in her 2013 collection\u00a0Pretty Marrow (<\/em>Negative Capability Press\u00a0which has granted permission to reprint here) while the first was composed just last month.<\/p>\n

Sunday Blog Read<\/strong> is a chance to read excerpts from works in progress, and in this case, offerings hot off the press or fresh from the pen by a gifted poet.<\/p>\n

So curl up with your favorite cup of joe and\u2026enjoy!<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

The First Poem After<\/strong><\/p>\n

\u00a0July 22, 2013<\/strong><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I\u2019m digging into the death<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

bag, I\u2019m doing it,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

writing with a mortuary pen,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I\u2019m facing it<\/p>\n

I have to<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

even if all I can say is\u2014<\/p>\n

the zipline in Hawaii\u2014<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

how did I do it, climb<\/p>\n

to the top of the platform,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

the one that looked like gallows,<\/p>\n

two life lines dangling<\/p>\n

their glinting buckles\u2014<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I climbed, I was fastened, all my equipment<\/p>\n

double-checked\u2014<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I fixed my eyes to the point, 1800 feet away,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

the other side\u2014<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I leaned into emptiness,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

the abyss\u2014<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

absence, make sense.<\/p>\n

absence, miss my heart<\/p>\n

with your target<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

oh, my little brother<\/i><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I flew above trees, all those hungry teeth,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I flew over wildflowers, their alarming,<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

unfamiliar faces<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I flew toward the place<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I could plant my feet<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

and I made it<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

goddamnit<\/i><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I was brave and I flew<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a0*<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

My Paper Boat<\/strong><\/p>\n

—for my brother Dylan, 1989-2013<\/i><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

You were an albino trout waving<\/p>\n

its tail in the river\u2019s cold current,<\/p>\n

but when I crept closer I saw<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

you were a white swath of plastic,<\/p>\n

perhaps fabric torn from a dress,<\/p>\n

or paper. You were a suicide<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

note, or a love poem snagged<\/p>\n

on a ragged branch.\u00a0 I wanted<\/p>\n

to peel off my socks, wade into<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

the shock of winter run off, wanted<\/p>\n

to take you with me, your words,<\/p>\n

your little body.\u00a0 I imagine<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

someone folded you into a warm<\/p>\n

pocket, dropped you by accident,<\/p>\n

or pinned you to a tree til spring wind<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

ripped you down.\u00a0 Why did I not save<\/p>\n

you, lay you in the sun.\u00a0 Why did I<\/p>\n

not lift you, moss-limp and lovely, press<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

your river-blurred words to my face.<\/p>\n

You are my love note to the world,<\/p>\n

my paper boat.\u00a0 I wish you<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

could let go and swirl away<\/p>\n

to a place unblemished, where light<\/p>\n

could pour its honey onto your face.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I wish you could let go and forget<\/p>\n

I stood here on the bank, body filled<\/p>\n

with river stones, hand clutching<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

a heavy set of keys.\u00a0 I should have<\/p>\n

opened my mouth to taste you,<\/p>\n

chewed and swallowed you, rescued<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

you from unsnagging into new<\/p>\n

violence, tumble-lick of rocks,<\/p>\n

river gnashing you, ragdoll.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Why did I not kneel, crawl<\/p>\n

into the river to you,<\/p>\n

my bright pinwheel.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Once More to the Lake<\/strong><\/p>\n

—for my sister<\/i><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Didn\u2019t you just tell me you loved me?<\/p>\n

Didn\u2019t you just say you were sad about god?<\/p>\n

And just now, was that the sound<\/p>\n

of early morning, lake softly breathing?<\/p>\n

Now, at this hour, I can\u2019t<\/p>\n

bear to let go.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Didn\u2019t we just dance on the beach with bare feet?<\/p>\n

Weren\u2019t we lovely?<\/p>\n

Wasn\u2019t my hair curled,<\/p>\n

weren\u2019t my lips painted pink,<\/p>\n

lily of the valley pinned,<\/p>\n

sweet perfume soaking<\/p>\n

my hair? Wasn\u2019t that yesterday?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And weren\u2019t we happy, and weren\u2019t we strong,<\/p>\n

muscles flexing under tanned skin<\/p>\n

as we dove in, trout spinning<\/p>\n

their shimmering funnels around us?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Weren\u2019t we a family?<\/p>\n

Weren\u2019t we?<\/p>\n

And wasn\u2019t our father charming<\/p>\n

that day on the lake,<\/p>\n

his blue hat flying off in the wind?<\/p>\n

And wasn\u2019t he marvelous,<\/p>\n

his enormous authority as he leaned<\/p>\n

from the truck window, Marlboro dangling<\/p>\n

from his mouth, his silent concentration<\/p>\n

as he snugged, inch by inch,<\/p>\n

our trailer into its narrow slot?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

And wasn\u2019t he wonderful<\/p>\n

in the mornings before he\u2019d been<\/p>\n

drinking, how he hauled<\/p>\n

the jetskis into the lake,<\/p>\n

rainbows of gasoline glistening?<\/p>\n

We watched strapped<\/p>\n

in bright pink life-jackets<\/p>\n

as he choked the engines,<\/p>\n

then throttled them<\/p>\n

until they screamed.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I loved him, you know, this is our story.<\/p>\n

We wore green bikinis,<\/p>\n

cut-offs and thongs, white-rimmed<\/p>\n

sunglasses even,<\/p>\n

we all drank rum in a cabin,<\/p>\n

and even then you knew<\/p>\n

you shouldn\u2019t marry<\/p>\n

that man, but you married him,<\/p>\n

even then he slammed you down<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

on the concrete and our parents never said a thing,<\/p>\n

even then he forgot your birthday,<\/p>\n

and you were only sixteen, and that was before<\/p>\n

you were pregnant, before I whispered abortion<\/i>,<\/p>\n

before we dove into<\/p>\n

the lake and witnessed our own<\/p>\n

distortion under water,<\/p>\n

before we knew our father would not<\/p>\n

survive his life, the life we helped<\/p>\n

construct and destroy, and everyone keeps<\/p>\n

saying it was not,<\/i><\/p>\n

\u00a0it is not your fault<\/i>,<\/p>\n

and it\u2019s not,<\/p>\n

but go back, go deeper: had we not<\/p>\n

been so clever, had we<\/p>\n

not been so evil,<\/p>\n

had we not fought over<\/p>\n

the one blue cup, had we not<\/p>\n

bawled in the Mexican restaurant\u2014<\/p>\n

if we went back maybe we\u2019d try<\/p>\n

to be better, learned to build<\/p>\n

engines because having only<\/p>\n

daughters, he had to do this<\/p>\n

alone.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Didn\u2019t we all love one another<\/p>\n

once on the lake before<\/p>\n

we could look back and grieve,<\/p>\n

before cancer in the femur,<\/p>\n

before alcohol poisoning,<\/p>\n

before liver failure,<\/p>\n

before all these sad children,<\/p>\n

before everything collapsed,<\/p>\n

weren\u2019t we blessed,<\/p>\n

weren\u2019t we lovely?<\/p>\n

Once I wore perfumed flowers<\/p>\n

and a white cotton dress,<\/p>\n

once we smiled<\/p>\n

for the camera<\/p>\n

near the lake, its cold<\/p>\n

turquoise drowsy and deep<\/p>\n

while we stood, clinging.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m asking you to take me,<\/p>\n

take me back, once more,<\/p>\n

to the lake.<\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

\"pmcoverlowresweb\"<\/a><\/em>Shanan Ballam is an adjunct instructor at Utah State University where she teaches poetry and fiction writing.\u00a0 She earned her MFA in Poetry Writing from the University of Nebraska, Omaha.\u00a0 She is the author of the chapbook <\/em>The Red Riding Hood Papers (Finishing Line Press<\/a> 2010). Her full-length poetry manuscript <\/em>Pretty Marrow (Negative Capability Press)was a semi-finalist for the 2010 Brittingham\u00a0and Pollak Prizes in\u00a0Poetry, the 2010 May Swenson Award, the 2010 Philip Levine Prize in Poetry, and the 2012 Louise Bogan Award. In 2012 it received first place in the Utah Division of Arts and Museums’ Utah Original Writing Competition, which was judged by Sue Walker, Poet Laureate of Alabama.<\/em><\/p>\n

\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This is 15 Bytes\u2019 sixth\u00a0Read Local First, a glimpse into the working minds and hearts of Utah\u2019s literary writers. Former Utah Poet Laureate Kate Coles was our inaugural offering in March, followed by poet Michael McLane, short story writer Darrell Spencer, fiction writer Larry Menlove, memoirist Christopher Bigelow […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1566,"featured_media":22282,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_piecal_is_event":false,"_piecal_start_date":"","_piecal_end_date":"","_piecal_is_allday":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[35,2513],"tags":[1611],"class_list":["post-22281","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-literary-arts","category-read-local-first","tag-shanan-ballam"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/artistsofutah.org\/15Bytes\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/07\/Ballam_photo_book_festival-e1375977328621.jpg","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"publishpress_future_action":{"enabled":false,"date":"2026-05-27 06:19:13","action":"change-status","newStatus":"draft","terms":[],"taxonomy":"category","extraData":[]},"publishpress_future_workflow_manual_trigger":{"enabledWorkflows":[]},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/artistsofutah.org\/15Bytes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22281","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/artistsofutah.org\/15Bytes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/artistsofutah.org\/15Bytes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/artistsofutah.org\/15Bytes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1566"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/artistsofutah.org\/15Bytes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=22281"}],"version-history":[{"count":12,"href":"https:\/\/artistsofutah.org\/15Bytes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22281\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":72309,"href":"https:\/\/artistsofutah.org\/15Bytes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/22281\/revisions\/72309"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/artistsofutah.org\/15Bytes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/22282"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/artistsofutah.org\/15Bytes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=22281"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/artistsofutah.org\/15Bytes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=22281"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/artistsofutah.org\/15Bytes\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=22281"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}